All Alone in my own little World

I began writing this piece from a cold, impartial third person perspective, and decided to can the whole damn thing. It was far too absurd and insulting to fool you into believing that it was fiction when it was obviously a very personal experience. So, I will not insult your intelligence. I assume, that if you are able to wade through the copious amounts of verbiage that I spew on this site, you are a fairly intelligent lot. Either way, I figure we lost the unintelligent folk back at “copious”, since they are off Googling it's definition as we speak. I will try to be brief so that we can be done before they determine which of the possible meanings I intended.

I also let this post marinate for a few days, wanting to make sure my feelings with it before I set it free. I traditionally have a hard time keeping thoughts to myself, but it is something that I am improving on every day. Since the true test of any opinion or choice is to repeat it, I guess I've made my peace with it.

Plus, I write from the heart, and this site is my hearts bulletin board.

First, let me say that this is not a mopey, pity party piece. I'm not writing this because I need anyone’s sympathy. I don't, I'm perfectly content for perhaps the first time in my life. This post does have a point to it, though, which I well get to near the end, when I get to it's rightful place.

I once had an online exchange with someone from my home state of maine that was also seeking to do something uncommon with her life. Her dream is to become a model/singer, and she is making it happen, despite how difficult it can be to do so in Maine. Maine is a great state, and has a lot to offer, but the fast lane to a modeling and/or singing career ends far before the state line. I have a tremendous amount of respect for her. She's doing it her way, chasing her dreams no matter what anyone says. There isn't enough of that left in this world, as far as I am concerned. There's plenty of people that feel that they are OWED the limelight, but few willing to put in the work to EARN it.

Having said that, I will return to my reason for bringing her up in the first place. She had asked to on her wall for a one word description of her, essentially asking everyones opinion of her. There were the obligatory “beautiful” and “talented” comments, but I decided to be honest ( a rare feat for a fiction author, lol ), and said “lonely”. Not because she wasn't attractive, because the commenters who had said “beautiful” were on the money, but because she is driven. Being driven can be very lonely. It's hard to find people that share in your vision for yourself. I have a great family that is very supportive, and have been lucky in that I have a few friends and acquaintances that have cheered me on from time to time as well.

But people cheer your accomplishments, they cheer your sucesses. They don't cheer you every day when you go to the gym or resist the urge to eat something fattening in order to maintain the sort of image that sells cd's and calenders. They don't cheer you when you stay up until 2 in the morning writing the first chapter in almost three months of a book that you feel will be the inception of your entire writing career. The reason why is because the end result, either a record or book deal, is YOUR goal, not necessarily theirs. Driven people put in the commitment to get just a little bit better than yesterday, and in the process they miss out on a lot. They miss partying every weekend with friends, who eventually drift into different circles. They miss out on relationships, because people that are working towards ethereal goals aren't “fun” or exciting.

So in my case, I sit here creating a book that I am extremely pumped about. When I finally finish it, and begin to seek out agents to query, I am starting with agents that have worked with authors that have won prestigious Science Fiction awards like the Hugo and Nebula. I am not wasting my time, I am investing it. If people lack the foresight to see this, they are free to move on down the road to the lower hanging fruit. I have my son, I have my family, and plenty of friends to see me through. If I should succeed, I will undoubtedly see many of the people that passed me by when I was fighting the lonely fight to reach my goals. Fuck 'em. If I'm not good enough for you now, you won't be good enough for me then. I use that, that fire to need to prove everyone wrong as fuel to continue working.

I even elaborate on it in my own mind, taking experiences where I am overlooked for one reason or another, or canceled on, or laughed at, and stew on it until I get so pissed off that I punch out an entire chapter in one night. Anger is the best motivating force that I have ever found, and it's perfect because I am no longer an angry person. I may have been in High School and through young adulthood, but no longer. I enjoy the small things in life. I enjoy spending time with my son, with my family. I enjoy art, I enjoy nature. I want for nothing.

I find myself needing to create the anger, because not needing anyone's validation forces my hand to do so. I can't feel as though I am being pissed on when I could generally care less about the opinions of others. It takes work to reach back to times when I needed that validation, and had it slapped in my face. If I make a date and it is canceled for some reason, or a call isn't returned, I put it in my war chest for those times when I need a pick me up to write.

We writers can become pretty attached to our characters, and when that time comes to punish them, to bring evil to Mayberry, it's always good to have a little malice on tap.

Maybe using my anger in this way has all but removed it from the rest of my life. In high school I had a temper that could be pretty bad. Now? Not so much. So maybe repurposing that demon has caused me to lose my taste for it. Maybe I'm being a jackass. I don't know. All I know is that I have to write. I need it. It was there for me during a time in my life when I felt like I had nothing else. During that time, I did feel like I was pissed on, and laughed at, and it hurt like hell. I will never forget it, because I go back there every time I need to generate word count. 

I remind myself of how there are people that I once cared for that thought I wasn't worth their time, wasn't good enough. I know I can write, and if I stay motivated, I will create stories that millions of people will want to read, and share. It will take time to get there, but personally I'd rather write everything I have to say prior to any success. I worry that if I ever do find some measure of success, that when I prove that I can do it and my investment of time and youth wasn't for nothing, that I will no longer be able to summon that fire again.

And I need that fire. I need that desire to cram my worth down the throats of every single person that has doubted me. This will happen. I don't care if it takes me 50 years, these stories will get told, and I believe in their worth enough to see them through. So, if you blew me off in the past, and wonder why I didn't feel all that upset about it, there's your answer. I believe in myself enough for both of us.

You just became another log on the fire. I'm going to use you the way you used me. While you are out partying and having a great time treading water, waiting for your liver to pickle and your looks to fade, I have bigger plans..

Now off to press send before I change my mind again, lol.